When I speak with divorced women who are ready to get back into dating the topic of sex almost always comes up as a taboo topic, but there’s no shame in it so let’s talk about it! Should you jump into bed with the first guy you meet, or wait a while and see what happens with this dating thing? Whether you’re nervous or motivated to have sex in this next stage of your life, my advice is always know your goal.
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Fun sex is okay! Fun sex is great! Just be aware that you’re having fun and take steps to make sure you don’t get attached, miss red flags, or become self-destructive. Protect yourself emotionally and physically. Sometimes the reason you want to date someone isn’t because you want a relationship but because they rev your engine and you want to take that guy out for a joy ride.
My advice to that is drive it like it’s hot! Treat that relationship like a stolen car – have your fun and when you’re done leave it by the curb and walk away. Before you jump into bed (or on the counter, or to the floor, or…) be crystal clear to your partner and yourself about what you’re after so that there is no miscommunication. And use condoms.
Being clear about your goals keeps you in control of your life, and that makes you feel good especially after a divorce. Keep your eyes open, and your heart protected. Don’t get dragged into a relationship with a fuck friend who should have stayed a fuck friend. If you’re really interested in a relationship beyond the physical, put the breaks on the sex and initiate the No Kissing for 3 Months Rule.
Sex is great, and having relationship-free sex can boost your self-esteem so if you’re going to do it, do it to feel good about yourself, to rebuild yourself. Have all the fun you want before you look for a relationship. But also know that when you’re ready to find a relationship you’re putting fun sex on the back burner so that you can concentrate on the man, (or men!) you’re seriously dating. You don’t need anyone else in your vicinity drawing on your energy.
Don’t confuse sex for emotional attachment. When we have sex our brain gets dosed with oxytocin which makes us possessive and not able to tell whether we’re compatible with our partner. Just because a guy has sex with you does not mean he wants to date you. It means he wants to have sex with you. If he wants to date you, he has to interact with you in ways that don’t involve sex.
There’s no rush to jump back into sex, or dating, so take your time. Ask yourself what you want, ask yourself every day, ask yourself 100 times a day until you know what you want out of life right now. And then go for it!
Here’s what you can do going forward:
If he’s NOT ready to commit and you’re tired of this scenario, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.
This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.
If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.
Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.