You know that feeling you get when you’ve just ended a relationship and all you can think about is jumping back into the dating pool immediately? Maybe even a few days later?
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To your friends you’re saying, “I’m ok! I got this!”
To your ex you’re saying, “I’m so over you!”
To the single men you’re saying, “Here I am!”
But to yourself you’re saying, “What if no one wants me?”
Or instead of throwing yourself back into dating ASAP, maybe you’ve sworn off of it forever.
To your friends you’re saying, “I’m ok, I got this!”
To your ex you’re saying, “I’m better off without you! I don’t need a man!”
You’re avoiding men altogether.
But to yourself you’re saying, “What if no one wants me?”
The same train of insecure thought chugs through the hearts of many single ladies, and although it manifests differently, the fear is real even if the logic isn’t there.
What can you do about that?
Firstly, take into account that your insecurity is completely normal. Whether your 20-year marriage has ended, or your 5-year relationship, or the guy you were casually dating is seriously dating someone else, you’re plans have gone away. It doesn’t matter if you instigated the breakup, he did, or it was amicable, your future is in shambles, and you weren’t good enough to keep the love alive.
Now put it all in perspective.
Why did your relationship fail? Take the negative thoughts you have for your ex and think about how you can use them to find a man who compliments you. You have experience with what you want and don’t want, what you can compromise on, what you will tolerate, and what you will not. Use this newfound knowledge to your advantage as you choose your next date.
Take all of the negativity you have towards yourself and really look at it.
Why are you feeling bad about yourself? Did your ex say something nasty? If so, good riddance! Is this your second failed marriage? So what?! Really, why should that make you feel bad? What does that really signify? It takes 2 to make a relationship work, and for your own personal reasons, it didn’t. Should you have continued to live in misery? NO. Is your biological clock ticking, adding stress to your dating decisions? Is your life plan derailed?
The Plan. It always comes back to the plan, doesn’t it?
This isn’t where you saw yourself at 29. You thought you’d have kids by 36. For sure you’d be travelling the world with your husband during retirement. Whatever your plan, being single right now wasn’t part of it.
You are feeling insecure after your breakup because your heart is broken, and you aren’t quite sure what that means about you so you did some soul searching; started dating immediately, swore off of men, moved, took up karate, started spending more time with your girlfriends, got a cat…something, you did something, and you deserve some props for that because whatever you did, it wasn’t easy to take a step forward. Was it the right move? Only you can know. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. If you make the wrong move, move in another direction. But move forward.
Take stock in what makes you wonderful.
Push the negativity to the side and dwell on why your friends hang out with you, why your family doesn’t cringe when you show up for dinner, why the neighbour’s dog always comes to you for a pat. That’s how you’re going to find the right man for you, by believing that you are loveable, that you are supportive, that you are fun, and beautiful, and strong. And this may take some practice. When niggling fear that no man will want you creeps up remember all of the good you do, how fabulous you are, and that you deserve love.
Here at Canada’s Dating Coach we could talk all day about the certainty that like attracts like. So ask yourself what you want in a man; insecurity or confidence? (Hint: CONFIDENCE!)
Here’s what you can do going forward:
If he’s NOT ready to commit and you’re tired of this scenario, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.
This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.
If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.
Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.