Wait, can you?! Well, actually, you can. But it’s going to take a lot of work.
But a little clarity first. You need to understand the differences between being with a Guy versus a Man. See, when you’re with a Guy, your relationship is punctuated by fights…often. You’ll find a lot of drama, tiptoeing around, and fighting over “unimportant things” like wanting to know where this is going. Sex can feel like a desperate plea to keep him around, and you’re lonely for all the wrong reasons…usually because half his attention is on other women.
In this relationship, you feel Distrust, Anger, Hurt, Fear.
When you’re in a relationship with a man, you have the freedom to pursue your interests, see your friends, and do what pulls at your heart. There is a willingness to repair or avoid conflict, and each resolved conflict become a growing point together. You share a sense of intimacy and community with him and you’re lonely for all the right reasons…because he works long hours to ensure his family is taken care of.
In this relationship, you feel Peace, Happiness, Gratitude, Love.
So how do you turn a Guy, someone who’s a selfish, short term thinker, into a Man? A generous, long term thinker? First, if you haven’t slept with him already, don’t. Then don’t kiss him for three months. And if he’s still around after that much time because 1) he’s genuinely into the human being that you are, and 2) you truly appreciate the human being that he is, he’s worth the fact that you’ve been practicing these 5 steps:
1. Calm yourself.
That’s right, I said it. Look, what do you want when you actually get into the relationship of your dreams? Peace, right? But if you’re going to ask him to calm himself, so you can calm yourself, you’re not being fair. And I say that because my #1 relationship rule is, it’s not fair to ask for anything you’re not willing to do first.
Which means you need to start training yourself to accept peacefulness. Create space in your life for peacefulness and it will come. Field of dreams, right? So make time every day, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, even 30 if you can swing it. Sit quietly somewhere, put on some headphones and some nice Meditation music from my YouTube channel (we even created some for you!), and give yourself space to feel peaceful.
WATCH: How to meditate and have a GREAT relationship!
2. Define your boundaries.
First to yourself. Really sit with them and become comfortable with the idea that you’re going to change your boundaries, because once you set them expect some pushback. But as long as you stand firm, you can alter the situation. If you give in, you are back at ground zero.
And remember, anyone who does not accept your “I need some time and space to get to know 1) if your intent matches mine, and 2) if we’re compatible, before hopping into physical intimacy” is trying to control you. Don’t be afraid to give them the boot. You want to be with a man who sticks around because he cares for WHO YOU ARE, not just what he’s getting.
WATCH: I have a pretend first date so you’ll understand how to have the conversation about boundaries!
3. Reward good behaviour.
Men want us to be happy, so tell him when he does something that tickles your happy spots, then do something back to make him happy. Love is a verb, and Love makes the world go round…and round. What you give comes back, and if it doesn’t, you notice, don’t you? So give back when you feel happy. Spread that stuff all over the place and watch it grow on people like the best kind of infectious disease. It’s amazing.
WATCH: How can you get your man to be more agreeable?
4. Allow moments of silent contentment.
It’s a man thing, but you’ll learn to appreciate how he can quietly savour his feelings, and allowing him to just be himself really heightens his feelings of intimacy towards you. Which, in the long run, is nice. Like, compound interest growing more Goodness by the day, nice.
WATCH: Busting the myths about men’s feelings!
5. Repeat. Enjoy. Love. Grow.
WATCH: 3 MEN TALK ABOUT WHY THEY APPRECIATE MY NO KISSING RULE
If he’s NOT ready to commit, read No More Assholes and find someone just as amazing who’s ready for you
If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage, read After The First Kiss and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now!
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.