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August 29, 2016

Fear: the most expensive emotion you have when it comes to dating


Fear is a natural feeling. It kept our ancestors alive, and it keeps us keeping an eye on the world around us. And it prevents us from getting sh*t done in every aspect of our lives, including love. You want to talk to that cute guy across the room but you’re afraid he’ll rebuff you so you stay silent and are haunted by “what if” for a long time after. You want to tell your best friend that you like them as more than a friend, but you don’t want to lose their friendship so you say nothing and watch them fall in love with someone else. You want out of your current relationship but you’re afraid you might never find anyone else so you stay together, miserable.


The most expensive emotion you have is fear; it keeps you in a place you shouldn’t stay.


Fear costs time, money, and happiness. Is that a price you can afford? Is it a cost you’re willing to pay? Fear will stop you from looking for the right man. Fear triggers an immediate response. Your brain tells your body, ‘we must act NOW.” This causes you to act impulsively. For the woman who fears rejection, this means she won’t take a chance walking over to that cute guy at the bar to say hello. She won’t go on that blind date her aunt offered to set up for her. She won’t go to the dating seminar downtown. She’ll find every excuse not to date because the thought of going through the dating process and all of the actions and emotions involved only to be dumped back where she already is terrifies her. So she’ll sit at home, thank you very much. Even worse, she’ll settle with the wrong man because she’s here and he’s here and it’s done; she’s done.


Fear will keep you in an unhealthy relationship.


For the woman who doesn’t want to be alone, or who thinks she won’t find a better man, fear keeps with the wrong guy. At best this means she coasts along with a decent man who isn’t the love of her life, but with whom she figures she can raise kids and still live life on her terms. At worst she is in an abusive relationship with a guy who is selfish and controlling and, again, not the love of her life.

Ladies, if a man ever tries to scare you by saying, “You’ll never find a better man than me,” RUN, don’t walk, away from him. Even if you never date again you’re better off without him.


Fear will cost you friendship.


Those who have stayed in a draining relationship will testify that they lost their friends as a direct result. Maybe it’s because he takes up all of your time, or maybe it’s because all you do is complain about him and cease to be a good friend yourself. Like a romantic relationship, friendships are a constant work of heart. You have to put friendship forward in order to expect any back. When you regularly bail on parties, turn down coffee dates, or don’t make plans of your own, what other option do your friends have but to back off? You won’t have that female tribe to pal around with, and when you really need them – you finally end the unhappy relationship, for example – you won’t have your support system to lean on and help you get you back on your feet.

If giving in to fear is keeping you from living the life you want, you have to choose to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Maybe that step is to seek counselling. Maybe it’s to book some sessions with your friendly neighbourhood dating coach. Maybe it’s to let your aunt know that, yes, you would like to meet up for tea with that nice man from church. Take one small step with courage – even if it scares you – and see how much farther you go towards the life and love you always dreamed of.


Here’s what you can do going forward:  

If he’s NOT ready to commit and you’re tired of this scenario, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.



If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage (woohoo!), read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps to Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome  and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together.

This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.


Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.


Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.


If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.

Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.



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Chantal Heide – Canada’s Dating Coach

Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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