Security. Don’t we all want that? It’s a quest that drives us nuts, isn’t it? We’re constantly talking about security versus insecurity and demonizing everything that causes our feelings to tailspin into self-doubt.
But do you know what? Insecurity is such a fundamental part of human nature that even the most beautiful and successful actresses suffer from it. Rarely is anyone immune from this emotion, and neither beauty nor money can fully eradicate the nagging voice in our heads that compare us to unreal standards and whisper, “You’re not good enough yet, my love.”
Why does this exist in our nature?
And what can we do about it because frankly, something needs to be done, right? Cause insecurity doesn’t only tear you apart from the inside out, it can tear your relationship to shreds too.
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Because of insecurity, you’ll look in the mirror with dislike. You’ll dread getting into your car and going to an event. You’ll grab your partner’s phone or hack into their email. You’ll actively seek what you need to see to validate the fear and loathing that’s swirling inside you, confirming that you’re right all along to have doubts.
Insecurity is a beast, but you can fight it.
Look, I’ve got your battle axe right here, and it’s stamped with the words ‘Understanding’ and ‘Fuck That Shit.’ Are you ready to swing that sucker and bring your insecurity to its knees? Yes?
First, why does this exist in us in the first place? See, the animal in us requires a clear understanding of our position in this world. Without firming up a sense of hierarchy and a clear cut knowledge of where we belong in the order of things we’re confused, and confusion is counter to survival.
If I walk into a new group and I don’t understand and cede to the top dog, my take no prisoners attitude means I’m going to get my head chopped by a stronger foe unwilling to let some ballsy chick upset the order they established.
Think about what would happen if everyone in the world walked around with a sense that they have all the confidence needed to run the whole damn show. We’d all be battling it out for top positioning, which means we’d constantly be at war with everyone else. All. The. Time.
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In essence, the insecurity woven into our human nature keeps us relatively peaceful amongst ourselves.
Some of us need to feel inferior in order to cede to leadership. It’s leadership that gets us from point A to point B, whether it’s in a wolf pack, a herd of bison, or an entire country. We need followers as much as we need leaders, and what helps us figure out where we fit into that dynamic is, you guessed it, insecurity.
Personally, I don’t feel secure enough to lead a whole country, but thank God someone has the guts and will to run for President and Prime Minister. I do, however, feel secure enough to lead a room full of women down a path to feeling more secure, something I didn’t feel secure enough to do twenty years ago.
See, insecurity is fluid.
It can change along with you, and ultimately you can consider your own goals and desires first, and your level of insecurity second. You can push aside insecurity, just like you can push aside stress and anxiety. You hold the power and key to everything and anything. Hell, you could run for President if you wanted to bad enough, and insecurity would take a back seat if that’s how you wanted to roll. Because as much as stuff like this is woven into our DNA, so is free will.
You just gotta want.
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So, here’s my question to you: Do you want to feel more secure?
Do you want to feel more peaceful about that woman in the mirror? About getting in your car and hitting up that event? About seeing your partners phone on the table and letting it be?
You can. See, insecurity is a moment, a blip in our brains that we can choose to run with or just run in the background along with all those other negative emotions. We can separate our logical minds from the animal instincts that burble with insecurities. We can give it a voice, a reasoning, the validation it clamours for. Or we can recognize it, acknowledge its fundamental nature, and then shrug it off and set our sights on our goals.
Insecurity is going to happen.
Over and over, although with meditation you’ll experience it less frequently and on a less pervasive scale. You’ll notice that this emotion tends to be tied up with anxiety and stress, and by shrinking your amygdala you’ll also shrink your capacity to be bogged down with insecurity. Voila!
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In the meantime, you have to stop feeding the beast. Every time you feel insecure and you allow it to guide your actions you just gave it a cookie, and in this way it grows and grows.
But every time that emotion whispers directions into your mind and you let the moment pass, instead choosing to do something calming, you take a bite out of it and feed your self-esteem instead. Each decision to not respond to your insecurities swings that hammer and slams the beast on the head. I understand why this bubbles up, and fuck that shit. Wham!
It’s a difficult process at first.
When we’ve spent years responding to insecurity instead of analyzing it and turning the other cheek we’ve created a habit, and as you know, habits can be hard to break. At first.
But I know you’ve broken at least one before. You’re familiar with the process. Resist today, and it’ll be easier to resist tomorrow.
I went through a hella huge surge of insecurity during the first few years with my hubby, and I had to learn to get through that so we could have a more peaceful relationship. It’s not easy when your lover’s ex is living on the same street as him. When he has a password on his phone. When you spend more time apart than together.
My mantra, ultimately, was “I know everything I need to know.” Whenever I found my mind racing with insecurities and being infused with directions on how to validate them I had to come up with my own blockade and teach myself how to settle my emotions. Grounding myself in realities instead of letting my imagination race became my go-to approach, and I started becoming my own locker room coach.
“You’re awesome! You’ve got this! Here’s your game plan! Look at what he’s doing, and duck and weave around the rest!”
Learn how to create a secure relationship with your partner
If I felt insecure about losing him I’d remind myself of my own qualities. I’m smart, intelligent, and funny. If I lost him to someone else I’d be a catch to a man more willing to appreciate me, and frankly, I’d find someone even better because I never left an experience without learning more about myself and improving along the way.
I know everything I need to know about myself.
If I felt insecure about how much he talked to his ex I’d remind myself of his devotion to me. He’d shown me for years, even before we got together, that I was the apple of his eye. He’d had a single minded interest in me long before I was even able to entertain the thought of being with him, and that interest had never wavered. He’d done a lot for me when he was courting me, and he’d done a lot for me once we got together. He’d made me a beneficiary of all his manly qualities and always worked hard to please me.
I know everything I need to know about his devotion and how much he loves me.
If I felt insecure about how much his ex needed his attention or directed sexual innuendos his way I’d remind myself of everything he’d told me about why it hadn’t worked between them. I’d see that his kids’ happiness was a priority to him and remember that they were the reason she was still in his life. I’d recognize that it was her own insecurities that made her behave in ways that at times seemed disrespectful.
I know everything I need to know about them.
Every time I had an insecurity pop up I’d stop and give myself the coaching I needed to get me through the moment, and each time I gained more strength and security within myself. Listen, your actions can feed your brain or your brain can feed your actions, and every moment gives you an opportunity to decide if you will weaken or strengthen yourself. Give in to insecurity, and you’ll forever be insecure.
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If you find yourself spinning without proof then maybe it’s time to double down on your meditation minutes. It could be you have an overactive amygdala sending distress signals through your system and in an attempt to find a reason you’re developing insecurities. Shrink your fight or flight system, and you’ll find yourself feeling calmer and more secure, and with that, a heightened sense of rationale will take over.
Choose to act securely even in moments where you feel far from it, and you’ll start to become stronger and more powerful than your base emotions, carving new paths inside your brain that are reinforced by your behaviours. Eventually, insecurity will be nothing more than a blip.
Here’s what you can do going forward:
Grab a copy of Fix That Shit and lean into the lessons. They helped me overcome my own insecurities and pave the way to having a relationship with zero fights with my husband! And if you think that sounds amazing, it truly is.
And you can read Say Yes To Goodness too. I wrote this to help you find deep, meaningful happiness for yourself so you can turn around and spread that good stuff everywhere you go.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.