I hate to say this out loud, but I really don’t think I’m pretty enough to find love.
I’m in my late 30’s and have been single for almost two years now, and I’m seriously thinking of just giving up. I’m tired of trying, tired of meeting people and seeing that “Um, gross” look on their face, tired of trying to put myself out there and getting rejected over and over again.
I’m overweight and don’t have the best skin, sometimes breaking out for weeks at a time. I feel like I’m too ugly to be attractive to men, and I don’t want to settle for a crappy relationship again because all the ones I’ve been in just made me feel worse about myself.
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I try to be positive but it’s so hard trying to stop thinking that my last ex was right – maybe I really am just too fat for a relationship and nobody is going to love me.
Chantal, I’m hitting a wall. Is there any hope for me or should I just give up and become happy being single for the rest of my life?
The first thing I want say is a little message to your ex. “Fuck you.”
This guy didn’t deserve you then, and he doesn’t deserve to own a piece of your mind now. Let me be clear here, guys who say stuff like this are speaking from their own place of insecurity and low self-worth. They need to step on people and feel them under their heel because it’s the only way they think they can elevate themselves.
Understand that anyone who tries to do that is even lower than you, so don’t let him win at this stupid game. Go into my blog and read my post about getting over an Asshole Ex, because you need that particular set of directions right now, in addition to what I’m about to teach you here. Put Mr. Douchebag in your review mirror, and let’s start going forward.
Now for my next tip, I want to help you redefine what “attraction” actually is. So hold on to your hat, because I’m about to blow your world wide open.
Everything you’re seeing, whether it’s on TV, in a magazine, on a billboard, on a movie screen, computer screen, newspaper, ALL OF IT is male owned. Think about that.
Males are telling you what’s attractive. And do you know what males want? They want what they want when they want it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just how they’re driven. What they don’t want is for us women to know is we’re designed to set the pace.
Look, Mother Nature doesn’t function without checks and balances. So think about your fertility cycle for a second. Off, then on, right? Male fertility cycle? On, 24/7. We, the females, are designed to be able to calmly sit back and observes a selection of males displaying their interest, then choosing the right one. Males are designed to be ready when we choose them.
WATCH: THE PERMISSION YOU NEED TO SHINE YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIGHT
But this male dominated media doesn’t want you to know that. It wants you to not only be stupid but insecure too, because if that’s your state of mind you’re much more likely to give what they want when they want it, because you’ll be afraid of losing them if you don’t. That’s a win for them but a loss for you, because you get sucked into things before you’ve had a chance to engage in a proper vetting process.
“But Chantal, I’m barely even dating, and nobody even wants me.” I’m hearing you. Bear with me.
Your insecurity isn’t 100% yours to own. It’s been instilled in you, and it’s that insecure feeling that men are finding unattractive, not your looks. What you don’t realize because you haven’t been informed properly, is that confidence is the #1 most attractive quality for a man. Not the size of your thighs.
Why doesn’t the media want you to know this? Because if you’re confident you’ll begin to have boundaries, and boundaries get in a guy’s way. Do you see where I’m going with this?
If you have the confidence to say “that’s right, I AM a trophy, and I’m going to be sure the man who gets my heart earned my heart”, then it’s harder for males to get what they’re yearning for – physical intimacy.
By the way, I’m not demonizing males for wanting that physical intimacy right away. That’s Mother Nature’s way of making sure we made babies and thrived as a species. And like I say, Guys (AKA selfish, short term thinkers) won’t wait while you take the time to make a good decision choosing a partner, but Men (AKA generous, long term thinkers) will, which is how you can pick the right one. But I digress.
WATCH: I HAVE A PRETEND FIRST DATE SO YOU’LL LEARN HOW TO ASK FOR NO KISSING FOR 3 MONTHS!
So let’s redefine attraction, now that you know that what you thought is attractive was nothing more than a male constructed notion designed to destabilize you.
What the human species finds attractive is nothing more than symmetry. What we consciously perceive as attractive is, in essence, our subconscious minds drawing lines and looking for straight ones, because when symmetry takes place alignment is strong, and when genetic alignment is strong we’re more resilient. Think about the biggest bridges and the tallest buildings in the world. Straight lines make up the majority of the construction and everything, even the curves, are perfectly symmetrical.
Without symmetry everything falls apart.
But symmetry doesn’t have to be all cosmetic. Look, what percentage of a building is actually visible to the naked eye? There is much more that you don’t see holding the whole thing up, and I want you to understand the majority of what people perceive about you is what’s underlying your whole structure. If what’s inside is asymmetrical then your vibe is unattractive. Simple as that.
And the fact is, men don’t discern fine details like we do. Mother Nature designed us females with eagle eyes so we can tell right away if the babies we made need extra care, but she didn’t put that trait into men’s DNA. So you need to worry more about the vibe you’re putting out than how you look on the outside. I wrote a post about the 7 qualities men look for in a woman, and how she looks sometimes is only one of them.
WATCH: WHAT ARE THE 7 QUALITIES MEN LOOK FOR IN THEIR DREAM WOMAN?
What do men really, fundamentally, sincerely find attractive in a woman? How she feels she fits into this world. Does she feel aligned in her life? Does she look at herself and say, “I belong here”? Is she confident about her ability to own the space she occupies?
If the answer is no, no, and no, then he’s not confident about her.
Because here’s the thing – even when Mamma June (Honey Boo Boo’s mom) was tipping the scales at over 400 pounds she had her choice of men. Why? Because this was how she felt (talking about her recent weight loss):
“I see myself now as I’ve always seen myself mentally, so for me it’s kind of like everybody’s getting to see my outside body the way I’ve always pictured myself,” she says.
Now, let me teach you about perception, because it doesn’t matter what reality is if your vision is skewed. Think of it this way; if I put on glasses and the prescription is wrong, then no matter how hard I try to see clearly the world will always look messed up.
Oprah (I so love that woman) once did a little test.
She told some women she was conducting an experiment about how men perceived our attractiveness, and had them go into a tiny room where a make-up artist carefully applied a great, big, ugly mole right on their cheek. Now there were no mirrors in the room itself, but the artist let the woman look into a hand mirror when all was said and done and see what was on her face. Then the artist packs up, mirror and all, and leaves, only to come back five minutes before the “experiment” takes place to “touch up” the mole. Unbeknownst to the her, the mole was removed.
The woman was brought to another room, where she waited for a male to enter and sit across from a table to have a discussion. He had no idea what this was all about by the way, he thought he was being introduced to a potential date – if he found her attractive.
The result? (I’m paraphrasing here, because I watched this about 20 years ago and I can’t find it on Google.) Most of the women said “he kept looking at the mole, I could tell from the look on his face he thought it was gross.”
What did most of the males end up saying? “She seemed attractive and nice enough…but something wasn’t vibing.” “She seemed insecure, uncertain, quiet, disconnected.”
Do you see what I’m saying here? What you THINK is being perceived about you can be far from reality. So take off those blinding glasses and see the world as it really is; a place that welcomes confident women with open arms, regardless of how she looks.
How do you project the confidence you need to attract the great man you deserve? Fake it till you make it, baby.
Here’s your homework. Do this daily, and you’ll be lighting up every room you walk into, I promise.
Watch your posture. Be sure your back is straight, your shoulders are back, and your chin up. This will tell your brain you’re feeling confident (even if you’re not) and will rewire your mind, giving it the cues it needs to exude confidence.
Smile. A lot. This releases Dopamine in your brain, that happy chemical that tells it you’ve just been rewarded. Happiness and confidence go hand in hand, so feed yourself the chemical you need to create this. And while you’re at it, surround yourself with happy, smiling people, because seeing them smile releases Dopamine in your brain, too. Win win!
Control your train of thought. If you find yourself thinking negatively about yourself, stop, and come up with an opposite thought. Do this a million times a day.
Let people compliment you. Don’t come back with a self-negating comment, ever. And never, ever say anything self-deprecating either. Those negative words just reaffirm negative thoughts, and you need to quit that shit. And while you’re at it, each time someone compliments you, smile and say “Thank you!”, but also take an internal moment to absorb that compliment, no matter how uncomfortable it might make you. It’s time to change your inner dialogue now, so let other people influence you.
WATCH: A LIFE HACK THAT BUILDS SELF LOVE
Meditate. Shrink that part of your brain feeding you all this anxiety and fear and you’ll become super relaxed and brave. Go to my You Tube channel for instructions!
Change is not an overnight thing. I mean, I moved my toothbrush from one spot to another and for a month straight kept reaching for it at the old spot. But if you keep applying constant pressure that amazing, positive, confident glow will come as naturally as breathing and you’ll be a whole new you, attracting amazing men like bees to a flower.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving you the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.