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December 13, 2015
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January 14, 2016

Unpack the Baggage: Learning to let go of past relationships


Remnants of past relationships can stop your chance for happiness before you even catch a glimpse of what could be. The dating lingo “baggage” gets slung around as if it’s a normal item to bring into your relationship. But if we think about what baggage really is; something we lug around when we travel because we think we need whatever’s inside every day, but ultimately leave in the hotel. Baggage is not the purse or backpack we bring on the actual adventure. It’s always back at our resting spot, waiting for us to open it up and riffle through.



The more we travel, the more we learn what we don’t need to pack up and carry with us. The same is true for relationships. Those who self-sabotage their dating life, or feel they aren’t ever going to find somebody to love them haven’t figured out when to let go of that baggage. Here are some tips to recognize what you need and don’t need to take away from the past.



Take Responsibility

You may have been cheated on, told you weren’t a supportive partner, or were dating a lazy guy. Whatever went on in the past, take responsibility for yourself. If you dumped him or got dumped, own your single status. If you made mistakes, own them but understand that you can’t go back in time and change them. Don’t dwell on the fact that you bottled up your displeasure with him until you were brewing for a fight. Just acknowledge that that’s what you did.

If you still have feelings for your ex, admit it to yourself and don’t get involved with someone else until you have those feelings sorted out. It’s not fair for the man you’re dating to get his heart set on someone who isn’t available, and it’s not fair to you to pull yourself in opposing directions while you sort your head and your heart out.

Examine the negativity you’re carrying around and be honest with yourself about the reasons you’ve got baggage. Are you suffering a lack of self-confidence? Are you afraid that the insults he hurled at you during the breakup are true? Until you know what’s really making you unable to let go of the past you won’t be able to look forward.



Find Forgiveness

Now that you’ve examined your past relationship(s), and admitted what it really is that’s been bothering you all this time, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for hanging on to the negativity. Forgive yourself for letting those feelings get in the way of new love. Forgive yourself for being duped by that guy. Forgive yourself for any role you feel you played in sabotaging past romance. You are human, and that means you make mistakes. And that’s ok. You’re ok!



Take the Experience

Think about what went wrong before, why that bothered you, and learn from it. Don’t carry it around anymore. Don’t lay blame. Learn what your triggers are so that when you feel those negative vibes creeping in you know whether you’re reacting instinctually or out of habit. Break the habit.


Look Forward

Now that you have taken the time you needed to acknowledge what has hurt you in the past, what you did wrong, and what you don’t want to repeat (that includes dating losers!), look forward. Look forward to dating with a heart ready for romance and open to living life in the present.



Here’s what you can do going forward:  

When you’re ready to share your next kiss with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.



If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage (woohoo!), read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps to Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome  and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together.

This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.


Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.


Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.


If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.

Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.


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Chantal Heide – Canada’s Dating Coach

Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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