How Can I Stop Sacrificing Things In My Life To Make My New Partner Happy?
I have a problem. I’ve just entered a new relationship and have been in it for about 4.5 months; I love him and I don’t want to end the relationship, but I do fear I have rushed things as I always seem to.
I want to know how you think I can bring it back, slow it down, and return the balance again. I am an independent woman, but as soon as a man comes into my life I seem to drop that a bit and just “accommodate.” I also have a bad habit of giving more than I should to someone to “make life easier”, but I end up sacrificing things in my life to keep them happy.
How do I shift things around? He is understanding and a good man, but I need to figure out a way to shift this bad habit of mine and take back power and independence for myself in a relationship.
Really appreciate it, Anna.
I feel like most women reading this question are nodding their heads in recognition. I know I was.
I attracted men with my wild independence, but the moment I got a case of the feels I morphed into someone completely different. Individuality went out the window, and suddenly I liked what they liked and dressed how they dressed. My new partners never sought to hijack my mind and actions, but lo and behold what I wanted came second to what would make them happy.
Of course that never worked, because who they fell for ended up becoming someone they didn’t even recognize anymore. Independence became insecurity, individuality became “whatever you want babe”, and the woman who seemed capable of opening up their world became a girl who followed meekly along.
Here’s the thing you want to understand about males though – there are two types; Guys who are selfish, short term thinkers, and Men, who are generous, long term thinkers.
Guys don’t want you to be independent. They like having you under their thumb because they feed off your incessant desire to please them. Why? Because it feeds their own ego, which demands instant gratification at all times.
Men on the other hand are much more emotionally secure, and their long term way of thinking means they’re forging their way through life like a warrior. They don’t want a woman who lacks individuality because they just don’t need that much attention. They’d rather you had your own thing going, and can meet them in the middle to share stories of each other’s incredible, developing lives.
So how do you reverse the course you’re on, and stop this sort of behaviour forever? It’s going to take some conscious effort on your part.
First of all, start meditating. Your anxiety levels are too high if you’re not shrinking the part of your brain called the amygdala. This is your inner fight or flight system, and it’s overactive if you’re not working at reducing it’s size. An overactive amygdala is going to give you more stress and fear signals than life actually dishes, which means you’ll have a brain that blitzes negative feelings for nothing.
This is not a good thing to have in any relationship. We tend to look around trying to pinpoint what’s to blame for that feeling of anxiety, usually targeting the person closest to us.
And that’s not fair.
Once you start meditating your mind is going to feel calmer, which makes the rest of your instructions much easier to follow through on.
Second, start getting really conscious of your thoughts, the words coming out of your mouth, and your actions. Catching yourself before you speak and act, and redirecting to what you really want to do is crucial to changing this and getting back in touch with who you really are.
Third, use this question a million times a day. A bazillion if you need to.
“What do I want?”
When you find yourself about to do something interrupt your train of thought with this question, then answer it honestly. Think as long and hard as you need to and weed through the first few thoughts, so you can truly analyze them and be sure you’re not dishing out ideas on autopilot. Yes, our brains will fool us, so take the time to assess your thoughts and find the genuine desire.
Trust me, a good man will want you to be strong and independent, so don’t be afraid!
This is something that will come second nature to you with practice, but it takes a lot of stopping and considering before acting before that happens. But the benefits are huge.
You’ll be happier with yourself because you’ll lose your fear of self-love within a relationship. You’ll earn more respect from your man because you’ll appear strong in your desire to carve your own way through this world. And your relationship will strengthen because you’ll have more to share and contribute, as your independent path gives you more life experience than if you’d been following his like a docile puppy.
And fourth, read After The First Kiss. This book gets you through the rough spots and keeps you from letting little things become big fights. You’ll learn how to deal with your differences, tackle typical first year hurdles, and become the emotional leader you both need in this relationship.
I often say fear is the most expensive emotion you’ll ever have. In this case fear will cost you your unique life path, it will cost you some self-esteem because you won’t see yourself as important enough, and it may cost you this relationship. Because if he truly is a Man, and not a Guy, he’ll get bored from all the Vanilla, and might start looking for some good ol’ Neapolitan somewhere else.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.