By now you probably agree with me that it doesn’t make sense to commit to strangers. I mean, this whole “Kiss and see where it goes!” dating style we’re using is so ass-backwards it’s no wonder singles are miserable AF.
Kissing someone with your fingers crossed, hoping they’ll turn out to be at least half-decent is exactly the reason why people bounce from relationship to relationship, dreading the next time they’ll waste weeks, months, or sometimes years of their lives with the wrong person, hoping things will get better before giving up and starting all over again.
WATCH: HOW TO STOP WASTING TIME ON GUYS WHO AREN’T SERIOUS
So you’ve come to the dark side. You’re into my No Kissing For 3 Months dating rule and putting it into practice to avoid falling for someone too wrong, too fast. Good! But with this new way of dating comes a new mindset, one that means you’re having new conversations. Like, the “Are you seeing other people?” one, but with a twist.
Let me be clear, I encourage you to date more than one person at a time. You should be vetting people until someone great rings all the right bells in your heart, and committing to just dating one person before you know them well enough to feel confident that all their words match reality doesn’t make an ounce of sense. But this type of dating is tricky because we’re not used to it, and I want to give you some tips for navigating how you’ll finally feel secure about the next person you kiss.
That means you’re a free agent, which goes both ways. Both of you should be keeping your options open until you’re sure of the other person, but are you ready to know if they’re dating other people, too? My first piece of advice is, don’t ask something unless you’re ready to hear the answer. So if you’re going to feel freaked out if you’re not their one and only right now, don’t ask.
Get to know them, observe behaviour, and let them choose you and just you when they realize who you are and how precious you’ve become to their heart because, hey, you’re awesome. You should be giving them the same time and space to come to a mature, adult decision about commitment as you are.
WATCH: 3 TORONTO WOMEN DEBATE MY NO KISSING FOR 3 MONTHS DATING RULE
Don’t Tell Without Being Asked
You don’t need to announce you’re seeing other people. Instead, simply state how you’re going about finding your next long term, romantic relationship. “I like you, I want to see where this is going, but I don’t want to commit to anyone I don’t know and I want to wait 3 months to get to know someone before kissing” is enough. If they want to ask if that means you’ll date other people tell the truth, but don’t offer that tidbit without prompting. It’s not necessary to explain yourself and your whole life to a stranger.
I always say you should start off on the same foot you’d want the relationship to be on. Do you want honesty and openness? Then be honest and open when they ask questions. Look, anyone who asks a question deserves an answer, so if they want to know then do tell, but keep it brief. This is your business, not theirs, and you have a right to privacy as well.
What you don’t want to do is give someone you don’t know the opportunity to control and guide your behaviour. This is your life, and you’re on a quest to find the right partner for yourself. And you have every right to go about that properly, vetting for mindset, character, and compatibility. Anyone who tries to convince you rather than show you is a red flag-waver.
WATCH: HOW TO GET SOMEONE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Ultimately the question is, does this journey make you feel chosen? Special? Focussed on? Has the other person used these 3 months to make plans? Do you feel their devotion? Have there been acts of devotion? My husband could have chosen anybody while we weren’t kissing… and I have those memories as the rock-solid foundation I’ve been able to build my trust for him on. I trust his words because I learned I could trust his actions. We are together because of what I’ve been able to see in his behaviours before I committed to him.
So observe yourself. Observe him. and give yourself time to fluctuate in your thoughts and opinions. Take your time. and stick to the calendar date… it’s your insurance policy against selfish, short term thinkers and people who don’t put their money where their mouth is.
Here’s what you can do going forward:
When you need a vetting process and you’re ready to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s amazing, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.
This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.
If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.
Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.