I Say I Want A Relationship But He Says He Just Wants Fun. Why Is He Still Dating Me?

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December 1, 2019

I Say I Want A Relationship But He Says He Just Wants Fun. Why Is He Still Dating Me?


Dear Chantal,

I recently met a guy and we went on a few dates. I told him I wanted a relationship and he said he was just looking for fun. I thought that would be the end of it, but he’s making plans for a third date. I like him, so I’m saying yes, but I’m confused. Why is he still wanting to date me if I’m not going to just be that “fun girl?”





Dear Chrissy,

There are a few reasons for that. I’ll start with the most common one.

Guys, which is the term I use for selfish short term thinkers, absolutely WILL test you to see if your words are matching your actions. And no wonder! There’s no shortage of women who say they want to take it slow, but then jump in feet first hoping for the best. And Guys love what I call “The Hoping Game.”

It how most of us are dating nowadays. We kiss and commit, then hope that the person we just commited to works out. But if this one isn’t actually dating for a long term relationship he’s hoping you won’t ask too many questions before he gets tired of having sex with you. This is why you followed my advice and asked him straight away what he was out there dating for – fun, or a long term relationship. Smart woman.


Don’t you ever question why you’ll say “No thanks! I’m seeing someone already” even if you’ve just kissed on the first, second, or third date? Find out here why you just committed to a stranger


And then there are Men, my terminology for generous, long therm thinkers. (By the way, feel free to flip those to Girls and Women if you’re a man reading this!) They may be interested, but unsure if they’re ready for something deep yet. Maybe they don’t feel settled in their financial life, still have young children they want to devote their time to, or are still getting over a past relationship. You might be the unexpected surprise in their life, and rather than walk away they’ll choose a low level capapcity for including you. “I’m not ready for a relationship, but I’ll put fun on the table and hope you stay around.”

This is still a danger zone, because you don’t know if they’ll be ready for something serious anytime soon. So you’re still playing the hoping game here, which I don’t advise.

So how can you tell one from the other, and what should you do in each case? Well, this is where my No Kissing for 3 months rule comes in super handy.




If he’s a Guy just looking for sex and hoping you’ll give in, using this rule means he’ll weed himself out of the equation before those 90 days are up. See, guys want what they want when they want it, and don’t have the patience to wait that long for a kiss that’ll lead to sex. And since you’re not kissing you won’t feel a compulsion to put all your emotional eggs in one basket, the way Mother Nature has you doing once those lip chemicals blow your brain to oblivion and make you too high to catch red flags during the first three months, AKA the honeymoon period.

This means you’ll still be open to dating other people, and you won’t have wasted any time. Watch this one fade away, then tell yourself “Whew! Good thing I didn’t kiss THAT one!”

If he’s a Man who isn’t ready, giving him the ability to spend time with you without confusing the matter with kissing means you’ll get to know one another. You may figure out you’re not compatible, helping you breathe another sigh of relief that you didn’t lock lips and get sucked into a whilwind of confusion that kept you in the wrong relationship for months or even years on end. Or you may become friends who one day turn to each other because something clicked, but it just wasn’t the right time.




Either way, using that No Kissing for 3 months rule helps you make the right decision, and keeps you clear for what you’re truly wanting; A compatible partner who will commit to you for the long haul, not just some guy trying to wiggle his way into your bedroom for a good time, regardless of what you say you want out of life.



Here’s what you can do going forward:  

If he’s NOT ready to commit and you’re tired of this scenario, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.



If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage (woohoo!), read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps to Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome  and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together.

This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.


Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.


Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.


If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.

Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.


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Chantal Heide – Canada’s Dating Coach

Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they’re looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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